nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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