he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
