Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hippo gnu deer
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
