I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
