I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
