Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
