at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
