you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
