i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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