Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
