There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
