so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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