she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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