Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
