Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
