i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
