Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
