Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
