i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
