You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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