He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
