dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
