also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
