Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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