sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
