3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
