Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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