I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
