I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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