oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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