I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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