you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
