I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
