Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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