I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
