you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
