this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
