im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
