Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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