My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
did i just pee glitter
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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