respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
