I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
