he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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