how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
