his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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