She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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