I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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