she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
