Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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