It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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