I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this beer tastes like vomit already
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
